Heart-Shot.org

In the midst of me adding things to this blog, changing the theme and updating regularly, all came to a hault.  I haven’t been too busy or anything really, it’s just that I’ve been debating on changing this domain name and starting a new site.  I’m not even sure what I want anymore.  I love this name :(  it’s very special to me and I’ve had it for a long time.  Umm… In other news.  D has talked about joining the military.  Airforce is our first choice because benifits are better.  Army is our second choice.  Now… if we do that, maybe we’ll get to trade our cars in and get 2 nicer ones :D  Oh and also, I am looking at getting my own server so I can run my hosting business from home and not have to pay a reseller.  I’m not sure yet but if this all goes the way we plan, I will definetly be opening another site and seperating my Second Life blog and my Real Life blog. :)))

In loving memory of Micheal Jackson.  I grew up listening to him for as long as I remember.  I remember when “Bad” came out.  I was dancing in the basement with my parents showing them my best moves  This is my favorite song by MJ.  I especially loved when the Jabbawockeez danced to it on America’s Best Dance Crew.

I’m sitting here with an application on the desk wondering if I’ll remember all the information to fill it out.  So far I need my past employer, past residency info and the tax stuff filled out.  I’m excited to take the job because the hours are great and the pay is nice, real nice.  It’ll be the most I’ve ever made at a job per hour.  I’ll be working were my mom works, but I’m not sure of the details on what I’ll be doing exactly.  Gosh, I haven’t worked in years!  It’s a little nerve wrecking because I’ll have to dress a little nicer than casual and right now, I barely wear anything but t-shirts all day and that’s about it.  Wish me luck.  This time, I’m going to try my best if I get the job.  Oh shit, there’s drug tests!!  FFFFUUUUCKKKK!

New pics and I’ll be adding more as soon as I get a moment.

—————-
Listening to: 1.FM – High Voltage
via FoxyTunes

It sure doesn’t feel like summer at all. It’s cold today. I just finished a rather caffeinated cup of dark hot chocolate. Now I’ve got the jitters. Since yesterday I’ve been obsessing over wallpapers for my laptop so for hours, today and yesterday, I searched for the perfect one, for now that is. 
Last week, i finally got my hair cut, as a Mothers Day present.  I dyed it, but that didnt come out how I wanted.  I bought Manic Panics “Virgin Snow”, but the results were rather, piss covered snow to be quite Frank.  Who the hell was Frank anyways? O.o

Sooo.  I haven’t been feeling like myself lately.  I’ve been having my weird dreams again and it’s starting to make me just blah… groggy and tiresome throughout the day.  We are still working through the issues we had, but although, his cheery, caring mood hasn’t made me feel much better I feel like, sometimes, that maybe it’s just not going to work – even so, I stay right where I’m at and hope it gets better.  This is one thing, i fear, I may have just grown out of… if that’s possible.  I talked to Keri about it and he said something about “It sounds to me like you just want his attention” and yes, thats the truth.  So why can’t my own husband know me like that?  Anyways, it’s not really anyones business.  It’s just that typing about what’s going on does make me feel some releif… and talking with Keri always, ALWAYS works.  So yesterday, I opened notepad (my writting can be difficult to read after a page or so), and typed out this long “summary” as I called.  It contained the honest reason as to why I think we aren’t working right.  I told him how I felt and expressed myself in detail, as I usually can’t.  It was easy for me this time because the house was nice and quite and I had time to really think and jot down exactly how I felt.  After he got home, he asked me to put the file in a shared folder so he could sit down and read it, which he did almost right away, to my suprize.  We talked breifly about what I wrote and I belive that maybe, for once he really got what I was trying to say.  I think, now that it could possibly work out between us.  There is hope!

I hate failing.  God do I hate failing!

So, man… it’s boring as hell being home by myself.  It’s freezing outside.  Normally I’d go play in the backyard with Laena, listening to my MP3 player and swinging on the swings with her, or just sitting on the porch with Razor snuggled up under my seat.  I haven’t been out period, in a long while.  Everyone is buys doing there own thing and I’m doing whatever I do.  Shit, it’s boring as ever right now.  It’s one of those days that just seem blah and almost depressing.  GAH!!! I just wish it would go away. 

—————-
Listening to: 1.FM – Dance Hits
via FoxyTunes

I’m alone.  I choose to be alone .  Well, D took the girls (and it’s quite so Razor probably went too), to his mom’s for a few hours.  I decided not to go.  I didn’t sleep good last night, so I stayed home.  It’s nice and quite.   I love it.  It’s almost too quite.

Yesterday, we had a picnic (I just put pics up), and it was fun.  I worked my ass off in the yard.  I pruned the rose bushes, even mowed the lawn in the back until my hands started getting raw and blistery.  I don’t mow the lawn very much, or even do the entire thing, but I needed a work out and it felt good.  I’m sore as shit now, but it’s so worth it.  I made these cute little turkey sammy’s and snacks.  We all chilled on the blanket and did family stuff. It was sooo much fun.  Then we did more yard work, came inside and showered.   We met my fam for a Mothers day dinner at Red Lobster, which imho, I like my Crab Alfredo WAYYYYY better.  Their ceaser salad was bangin though!  No matter where we eat out, I think cooking it at home is much better and tastier… and I love cooking with D.

So after eating, me, him and Karina went shopping and got a few things for our trip to the beach.  Note*  if your going to buy sunglasses, get them in winter.  I couldn’t find anything that didn’t look cheap and the men’s ones all looked queer.

Well, I’m gonna go gobble up my leftovers now.  Happy Mothers Day, even though most my OL friends are kidless.

—————-
Listening to: N.E.R.D. – NERD – Waiting For You
via FoxyTunes

I’m not really into anime very much, but I love Daft Punk, and one day I found it on Google and watched it.  I’m not sure what it is about the video, or if it reminds me of something, but I just love it.  One of my favorite songs is “Something About Us”.  The whole soundtrack I believe is in the movie.   You can watch the full video for free here on Google.  I could probably watch it everyday, or atleast listen to the music everyday.  BTW, it’s good work out music too

I put up a few more pics and my portfolio.  I’m gonna maybe put up my PSP brushes and make image stamps for Photoshop, but over time.  I miss making graphics.  Right now, I’ve got some tattoos I’m going to put up on SLEX (well, XStreetSL).  I still call it SLEX.  Oh, May 16th – one of my most biggest days in SL EVERRRR!!! It’s Keri and I’s 1 year anniversary! WOOT  .  The only person I’ve ever really wanted or cared about this much there, I have and I’ve never ever been so attached to anyone, except a few rare times in RL.  So he asked what I wanted to do to celebrate it but I couldn’t decide.  Then I woke up this morning and was going through m inventory and saw a notecard for the M/s toy store.  What they have are certificates, which is very much like a marriage certificate, and the sub/slave fills out some info and pays $500.00.  You get a certificate with your slave number and your ownership date.  Also they put one on this big wall with all the other M/s’ers.  So I asked him about it and he said we could do that as part of our anniversary thing.  So yay!  I can’t believe we’re still together.  I figured I’d probably just have a pet or 2 and a slave but I’m happier than ever.

Hmmm, I can’t even remember what else I was going to say, lol.  Anywho, D’s home so I have to go.

Ok, so I blogged like a loong ass paragraph earlier and forgot to submit it, so I decided just to rewrite it. Right now, I’m just bored, waiting for Jaden to go to bed so I can shower or do something not school, food or cleaning related. Ahhhh, I can finally, semi relax.

So, what I did today was spend wayyyy to much time on Neopets. I had an account back when it was new. D worked most of the nights so if I wasn’t with my friends, I would sit and play games there. Now that Jaden’s old enough to do things on her own, I created her an account and I’ve been helping her win NP’s to feed and care for her pet. She can read really well, but she’s only in kindergarten so she doesn’t get the concept of bargaining for food, calculating money, or any of that. She can barely do her subtractions so I’m helping her win

I was supposed to work on some php scripts for my other site but it’s really hard .  I’ve been breaking from SL on and off to work on RL and my relationship.  It’s really difficult sorting through issues with someone who can’t sit around for hours and work things out with you.  Basically, now, I see that part of it was me being spoiled (not materialistically) and doing things just because I could.  Now, I’m trying to fix that.  In laymans terms, what I really wanted to say was this to him, “I’m not going to get right if you don’t get right too”.  Anyway, there’s this sucky load of shit that you have to work your way through, when theres a problem, but once you start repairing the damage, it is well worth it.  I usually give up, but I’m learning not too  Love is the most precious, greatest feeling you could ever experience.

—————-
Listening to: Dance Gavin Dance – It’s Safe To Say You Dig The Backseat
via FoxyTunes

About 4:45 or something, I decided to make some beef fried rice.  I was going to cut the steak and season it with a bunch of yumminess.  I went to look for rice cuz I thought we had a bunch of it, but there was like half a cup.  SoOOooo, I decided to defrost the meat anways and just do steak and yellow roasted potatoes.  When I grabbed the bag to get some out, the first one I grabbed had a gash in it with some kinda potato funk ozing out of it.  By this time I was too frustrated so now, where eating fucking hotdogs! We’ll not me. I sorta lost my appetite so I’ll eat later.

mmm, so yea, I can’t be bull shittin. I’ve got like 10 loads of laundry waiting to be finished.

In sadder news, my bro IM’d me today and told me that him and his SL wife are not together.  It’s a strange story and I don’t want really want to talk about it.  I feel sad.  My brother goes through so much pain and I hurt for him.  He shouldn’t have to be chosen over someone elses demons… or angel.  My dear “Freshness”, I don’t know what to say but I always wish you well and me and Kap keep you in our thoughts.  So heres to mybrother Freshy Noel.  We listened to this song on an abandoned pirate ship in sl, we were standing on this platform on the topmast, hugging in the rain.  We talked for maybe 3 hours or so there.  I’ll never forget that day.  I have the best brother ever!

I know I haven’t really been a good Webmistress or whatever. I hate that term to be honest, but what else is there?  I’m trying to get back into it, but my heart has been elsewhere.  My SL is at it’s prime.  Whew, last night overwhelemed me but that’s a whole other storey.  My RL is getting much better.  I am learning sooo much about “reading” people and understanding a persons true self (my husbands), rather than reading facial expressions.  For a long time, I assumed that what your face shows, says everything.  Now I know judge a real person by what they tell you, not how they look.  For instance if I think theres a problem, it’s because I can look at his face and see irritation or something with me, but when I ask him flat out, “Are you irritated with me?” I get a completely unexpected answer.  He says to me, honestly speaking  “No matter what I do, don’t read my face because it’s most likely NOT how I’m feeling, regardless of how I look”.  This weekend, I spent many late nights and hours figuring out myself and him, through the good help of my zanies, who without, I would have had a breakdown… a bad one .  Once it started to calm me down, I started expressing myself and understanding things.  What is most important, I’ve learned is:  Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them too, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything they’ve got.  So looking back at my older posts and reading through random pages of things I’ve written about my relationship, I can see now that we had many problems in the past – minor problems, but nothing unfixable.  This, now that I’m thinking about it is sort of pointless.  I just figured I’d let all that out.  I’m kinda happy things are working.

In other affairs, lol… oh my gahd, not that kinda affair … my SL is going really well.  Guess who may be pregos??  Apparently my Owner says I’m going to be pregnant and of course I freaked the fuck out and he just smiles at me so will see if theres going to be a baby in our future .  Too bad you can’t pick names cuz I had some picked out, lol, from when we named our cats.  You have to adopt kids from Make-A-Wish or someplace like that.  You pick a kid panel and apply to have them.  Then if approved, you get a child avi (really an adult but w/e there cute).  Anyways, I’m on Yahoo talkin with my bf and then it’s banana pancakes for dinner!  YUM!

Woot! i finally found some adorable smilies.  There of cookehs of course and we all know im teh cookeh mostah!

Ok, so theres a few things I was thinking about.  One main thing is that, on the net, I go by Ren, but of course thats not my real name.  It’s just something that sort of stuck with me since a loooong time ago and it’s also my Avatars name on Second Life.  Most people just assume it’s my real name and I don’t go into to much detail about it because it’s just a long boring story.  So, confusion stems from 2 factors – One: this is my blog, and details are my right to get into.  It’s me and the real me when I blog whether it be about what i’m doing online or offline.  Two: “Renae” is still the real me… oh fuck, nevermind. I just answered my question.  Most the people that read this are my online friends anyways so who cares.  So, that settles it.  Call me Ren… I just need to point that I’m me, no matter what you call me, be it that, my real name, my nickname or w/e.  Speaking of nicknames, I seem to have picked up many nicknames along the way.  I used to be the one that never really had any, other than “Shortee” or “half pint” or “Shorty Doowop” as my best friend calls me.

mmmm, last night we had a bomb ass dinner!  It was steak (I’m not sure which cut), macarroni and cheese (not homemade this time but Velvettas ok with me), and yellow roasted potatoes.  OMFG it was sooo good.  D made this gravy sauce for it from the meat fat and put in some sautee’d mushrooms.  We haven’t cooked a full meal in a long time because either we don’t have time or it just costs a lot to cook the way we do.  Everythings usually fresh and organic and made 100% from scratch.  Speaking of food – leftovers sound good as fuck right now.  So off I go to grub!

Looking back on my last post, it seems like forever ago, although i didn’t even check the day, hehe.  I saw that when I last blogged, I was on my old laptop.  Well, I’m happy to post, that I have a new laptop now – a dell Inspiron to be exact, AND, it has cam, mic, and huzzah… it’s got Vista!

Back then, yea I was a Vista hater, but now, not so much.  Sure it’s buggy as hell, but I love the dock and all of the features it has.  There are downsides, but it isn’t anything I can’t deal with at the time.  For all you XP’ers left out there, hang on!  I still love XP, and if I didnt need a new computer as badly as I did, I would have opted for anything with XP.  Mainly I liked having StyleXP, which I used to have customized themes, and a few months ago, I thought I had the baddest “look” around.  Then, I got Vista and was wondering how the hell am I going to get it as awesome looking as my old laptop??  That’s when I started messing around with graphics options and was like “OH HOLY Shits on a stick! It’s got color scheme thingies!  So now its looking nice.  I’ve managed to keep my desktop clean, well, besides the 170 font zip files I had, all in a sea of icons on my screen.  I installed them all so now it’s nice and clean again ^^  Anyway, I’ve been into a lot of Cyber Punk type things and gears and things like that, so I got a cyber-ish wallpaper from Deviant Art, but sadly, I dont know who to credit anymore.  Whoever you are, oh awesome wallpaper maker, I love your work and I’d like ya if I new your profile url there.

Ah, well, it’s getting late and I have to clean :/  I just was in the website-ing mood, so I wanted to work on HYS and blog here.  I’m looking for new hostees, so if you need me, comment here and I’ll get back to ya.  I’m hosting subdomains and domains.  Later.  Oh, and here’s my current desktop:

My Current Desktop